Murphy's Law.

General Engineering.

1. The need for major design changes, are discovered as the unit nears completion.

2. Firmness of delivery dates are inversely proportional to the tightness of the schedule.

3. Dimensions will always be expressed in the least useable term. Velosity for instance, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.

4. Instruction Manuals will be lost on delivery of the units.

5. Original Circuit Diagrams will be destroyed by the Photocopying Machine.

 

Mathematics.

1. In any given calculation, the fault will never be found, if more than one person is involved.

2. Any error that can creep in will, and it will be in the direction that will do the most damage to the calculation.

3. All Constants are variables.

4. In any given computation, the figure that is obviously correct will be the source of the error.

5. A Decimal point will alway be misplaced.

Prototypes and Production.

1. Any wire cut to length - will be short.

2. Identical Circuits. Tested under identical conditions will NOT be identical in practice.

3. The availability of a component is inversely proportional to the need for the component.

4. If a project requires "N" components, there will be "N-1" in stock.

5. If a particular Resistance is needed, that value will not be available, furthermore, it connot be made up of series/parallel combinations.

6. A dropped tool, will always fall where it will do the most damage. (Also known as the selective law of gravitation).

7. If you connect a Three Phase Line, the Phase sequence will be wrong. 8. A Motor will always rotate in the wrong direction.

9. Interchangeable parts - Won't !.

10. Components that must not (and cannot) be assembled wrong - Will be.

11. A DC Meter will always be on an overly sensitive range, and will be wired into circuit in the wrong direction.

12. If a circuit cannot fail, it will.

13. A Failsafe Circuit will destroy others.

14. A Transistor protected by a fast acting fuse, will protect the fuse by blowing first.

15. A Self Starting Oscillator - wont start.

16. A Crystal Oscillator will oscillate at the wrong frequency, If it works at all.

17. If a PNP Transistor is required. Only NPN will be in stock.

18. In any given estimate, the cost of the equipment will exceed the estimate by a factor of 3.

In Practice - Murphy's Law supersedes Ohms Law.

THE SEX LIFE OF AN ELECTRON.

 

One night when his Charge was high, Micro Farad decided to try and find a cute Coil to discharge into. He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge and parked in a Magnetic Field near a Flowing Current.

Micro Farad became Attracted to Milli Amps Characteristic Curves, and finally had her Resistance at a minimum, and with his Field fully Charged, he laid her on the Ground Potential, raised her Frequency and lowered her Capacity and pulled out his High Voltage Probe, inserting it into her High Voltage Socket connecting them in Parallel, and began to Short Circuit her Shunt.

Fully Excited, Milli Amp shouted "Mho, Mho, give me Mho". With his Tube operating at maximun Peak, and her Coil Vibrating from the Current Flow, she also reached her maximum.

The excess Current had got him hot, Micro Farad was rapidly Discharging and was soon drained of every Electron.

They Fluxed all night, trying various Connections and Sockets, until his Barmagnet had lost its Field Strength.

Afterwards, Milli Amp tried Self Induction and damaged her Solenoid. With his Battery fully discharged, Micro Farad was unable to Excite his Generator, So they ended up by Reversing the Connections and Blowing each others Fuses.

 

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the shack,
not a meter was stirring, not even on the rack,
the finals were hung by the chimmney with care,
in hopes that St. Nick would tune them right there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
while visions of moonbounce danced in their heads;
and Mama with her handheld, and I with a trap,
had just settled our brains with a high voltage zap.

...When out on the tower, there rose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bench to see what was the matter.
away to the window I flew like a high tension flash,
tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow,
gave the glow of tubes of days long ago.
when what to my wondering eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh, with mobile amateur gear;

With a little old ham, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment, it must be St. Nick.
more rapid than McElroy, his keying it came
and he listened and he tuned and called them by name;

"Now Dasher! now Damper! now Phasor and DX'en,
on Common! on Coupled! on Donor and Blitzen!
to the top of the shack, to the top of the wall!
now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

As dry days before the field day do fly,
when they meet with the forecast and never comply,
so up on the shack top the signals they flew,
with the sleigh full of gear, and St. Nicholas too.

...and then in a band opening I heard on the roof,
antenna work by a ham on the hoof,
as I drew in my head and was tuning around,
down the feedline came St. Nicholas with a bound.

He was all tangled in coax, from his head to his foot
and his checksheets were all tarnished with ashes and soot.
a bundle of gear he had flung on his back,
and he looked like a contester opening a six pack.

His handheld-how it crackled! the signals would vary!
His equipment made noises, his qso was quite merry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a mho
and the beard of his chin was white as slow scan snow.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.
He had a broad face and a round little belly,
that shook when he laughed, like the roll of a tele.

He was chubby and plump, a right old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
a wink of his eye and a twist of his head
soon gave me to know i had not to qr-zed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
and tuned all the finals, then turned with a jerk,
and keying his finger aside of his nose
and giving a nod, up the feedline he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, his handheld gave a whistle,
and away they all flew, like the down of a thistle.
but I heard him exclaim ere he faded out of sight;

"Happy Christmas to All

..... and to All

..... a Good Night"

K1YPP

TOP TEN WAYS TO RECOGNIZE TRUE HOME-BREWERS

1. Only uses parts no longer in production.

2. Still uses a Z80 computer and writes all of their software.

3. Only designs and builds circuits using PNP transistors.

4. Only designs and builds rigs with positive (+) ground.

5. Seldom labels visible switches, knobs, or dials.

6. Spends every other Saturday browsing at the county landfill.

7. Refuses to plagiarize Schottky, Yagi, Uda, or the ARRL Handbook.

8. Never refers to a copy of a schematic, or logic diagram.

9. Builds their own tower, using a homemade electric welder.

10. Regards most Home Brew as infantile or afflicted with commercial gimmickry and pecuniary interests.

Originally number ten was:

10. Has a framed picture of Nikola Tesla hanging over the workbench.

By

Clay N4AOX

The scene opens upon an amateur radio operator sitting at his desk contemplating how he should answer a letter from his insurance company. Eventually, this is his reply...

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block number (3) of the Accident Report Form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator. On the day of the accident I was working alone on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had brought, over the course of several trips up the tower, about 300 pounds of tools and spare hardware to the top. Rather than carry the now unneeded tools and material down by hand, I decided to lower the materials down in a small barrel by using a pulley which fortunately was fastened to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools and materials into the barrel. Then I went back to the ground level and untied the rope, holding tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 pounds of tools. You will note that in block (11) of the Accident Report Form that I only weigh 150 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately by this time, I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold onto the rope in spite of my pain. At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 30 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in block number (11). As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two broken ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of tools and, fortunately, only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the pile of tools in pain and unable to stand, watching the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind... and let go of the rope.

WHO'S WHO IN HAM RADIO

ADVANCED:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound;
Is more powerful than a locomotive;
Is faster than a speeding bullet;
Walks on water, and gives policy to GOD.

GENERAL:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound;
Is more powerful than a switch engine;
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet;
Walks on water if the sea is calm;
Talks with GOD.

CONDITIONAL:
Leaps short buildings with a running jump
AND favorable winds...
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine;
Is faster than a speeding BB;
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool;
Talks with GOD if special request is approved.

TECHNICIAN (Old):
Barely clears a quonset hut;
Looses tug-of-war with a locomotive;
Can fire a speeding bullet;
Swims well;
Is occasionally addressed by GOD.

TECH-PLUS:
Runs into buildings;
Recognizes locomotive two out of three times;
Is not issued ammunition;
Can stay afloat with a life preserver;
Talks to walls.

NOVICE:
Makes high marks on the wall when trying
to leap small buildings;
Is run over by locomotive;
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury;
Talks to animals.

TECH:
Falls over doorsteps when entering buildings;
Says, "Look at the choo-choo";
Wets himself with a water pistol;
Plays in mud puddles;
Mumbles to himself.

AMATEUR EXTRA:
Lifts buildings and walks under them;
Kicks locomotives off the track;
Catches speeding bullets in their teeth AND EATS THEM;
Freezes water with a single glance;
THEY ARE GOD!

Author Unknown; But rumor has it, that he has been demoted to 11 meters and is now a CBer, he can occasionally be heard Eastbound and Down!

In addition...

NO CODE EXTRA:
Flaunts honorary degree in "Tall Building Jumping";
Exhibits powerful ulterior "Loco Motives";
Attempts to avoid speeding bullets;
Is able to "Pass Water", usually without difficulty
Denys the existance of GOD; Cohort of CBers

Temporary Operating Suffixes

 

My Ham friend called the FCC to tell them he had moved and wanted to change his address on the FCC records  from Texas to Vermont.
The woman at the FCC who took the call asked
where Vermont was.
As my Ham friend tried to explain, she interrupted and said, ``Look, I'm not stupid or anything,
just tell me what state is it in?''

A ham is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road, his antennas flapping in the breeze and flopping into the other lane.  A YL is driving down the same road.  As they pass each other,  the YL narrowly missed them and leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"
The ham immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
If men would only listen!!!.

An old, old ham was lying in his death bed upstairs.  His most
favorite food in the world was chocolate chip cookies.  As he lay
there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell
freshly-baked chocolate chip cookies.  He crawled out of bed and
slowly limped down the stairs.  Sure enough, across the kitchen,
there was a huge platter of chocolate chip cookies on the table.
He finally made it to the table and he reached a shaking
hand towards the cookies.  Suddenly, his XYL slapped his hand
sharply and yelled, "DON'T TOUCH THOSE-they're for the funeral!"

An elderly ham and his XYL were on a cruise and it was really
stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat
watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the
old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old ham back
to shore with the promise that he would notify him as
soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read:

"Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at
the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck
and attached to her posterior was an oyster and in it was a
pearl worth $50,000 . .please advise"
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait
the trap!"

Two elderly hams had been friends for many decades.
Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities
and adventures on the ham bands. Lately, their activities have been
limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know
we've been friends for a long time.....but I just
can't think of your name and your call.! I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember them. Please tell me what they are."
His friend glared at him. For at least three minutes
he just stared and glared at the gray haired old man.. Finally he said,
"How soon do you need to know?

Three brothers ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together. One night
the 96 year old draws a bath. He puts his foot in and pauses. He yells
down the stairs and says "Was I getting in or out?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." He starts
up the stairs and pauses. Then he yells "Was I going up the stairs or
down?"

The 92 year old HAM  is sitting in front of his HF rig and listening to his
brothers. He shakes his head picks up the mic and says "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful." He knocks on wood for good measure. He then yells into the mic, "I'll come
up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door".

Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers.After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity...where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a "circuit"........Dave Barry

HAM NAMED ELMER LIVED WITH HIS XYL NAMED SUE.
WHILE AT THE QTH ONE NIGHT, SUE SUDDENLY  WENT QRT. (DIED).
ELMER PICKED UP THE PHONE, AND CALLED 911 AND REPORTED THAT HIS WIFE HAD JUST DIED AND COULD SOMEONE COME OVER TO PICK HER UP. THE OPERATOR ASKED FOR HIS ADDRESS AND ELMER SAID HE LIVED ON THE END OF EUCALYPTUS LANE...SHE ASKED HIM TO SPELL THAT.
THERE WAS A LONG PAUSE ON THE END OF THE LINE AND THEN ELMER SAID.
"HOW ABOUT I JUST DRAG HER OVER TO OAK STREET AND YOU MEET ME THERE"!!

An elderly ham driver was going down the interstate when suddenly his 2 meter rig crackled his call...Answering...he heard a fellow ham's urgent warning....."Hey Elmer, just heard on the news that there's a car going down I 40 the wrong way, please be careful"!!   Elmer replied,"Well I'll declare, it's not just one.......there's hundreds of them'!!!!!!!!!

HEARD ON 2O METERS


“Yesterday,  my XYL said she’d leave me if I didn’t give up ham radio. Over.”

YOU MIGHT BE A HAM IF........

1. YOUR WIFE SAID "LETS GO SEE AUNT ANNA AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID ANTENNA!
   2.  YOUR WIFE SAID "COULD YOU CUT THE GRASS?"  AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID POUND
       THE BRASS!
   3.  YOUR WIFE SAID "WE'VE BEEN INVITED TO BREAKFAST AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID
       HAM FEST!
   4.  YOUR WIFE SAID "SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH THE CHECK BOOK AND YOU THOUGHT
        SHE SAID LOG BOOK!
   5. YOUR WIFE SAID "IS MY SEAM STRAIGHT? AND YOU THOUGHT SHE SAID, " IS MY BEAM
        STRAIGHT?'

HOW TO COOK A HAM

INGREDIENTS:
1 HAM  FULLY SEASONED,  (TECH,GENERAL OR HIGHER)
1 PARABOLIC REFLECTOR (100FT DIAMETER)
1 MEGAWATT TRANSMITTER
1 FCC (EXPERIMENTAL PERMIT)
1 POUND BROWN SUGAR

PROCEDURE:
PLACE HAM  INTO MAIN LOBE OF DISH
COVER WITH BROWN SUGAR...MOVE BACK
TUNE TRANSMITTER TO 100GHZ CW,
APPLY FULL POWER UNTIL EYES OF HAM
START GLOWING GREEN.....OR ANY OTHER
COLOR FOR THAT MATTER.....
CONTINUE ROASTING UNTIL HE YELLS

Are You a Repeater Cop?

By Bob Mauro, KZ2G
March 22, 2002

There's one on every repeater. We've all heard the know-it-alls, the former class monitors, the self-appointed repeater cops.

You know the type: The person who's made ham radio his life instead of his hobby, and--in the process--has made everyone else on the repeater miserable. Here's a simple quiz to determine if you're a repeater cop. If you are, don't panic--there's a cure. But first, take the quiz. For each question, circle A or B:

1. Someone on the repeater has a noisy signal. Do you:

A. Tell the person to get a better antenna and a more powerful rig before using this repeater again?

B. Say, "Try again, my friend; you're a bit noisy?"

 

2. You hear a low-level alternator whine on someone's signal. Do you:

A. Tell the person to stay off the repeater until that damn alternator whine is gone?

B. Suggest how the ham can cure the frustrating alternator-whine problem?

 

3. Someone new on the repeater doesn't wait for the beep before talking. Do you:

A. Tell the person in an extremely nasty way to "Wait for the darn beep?"

B. Explain the purpose of the beep--in a friendly way?

 

4. Someone from Fiji is visiting his sick mother in your area and gets on your local repeater. You then:

A. Tell the person to join the repeater club and pay club dues before using the machine and wasting the repeater club's electricity.

B. Welcome the visiting ham and invite him or her to enjoy the repeater while visiting the area.

 

5. A 10-year-old new ham gets on with an H-T. You:

A. Refuse to talk to children on the repeater.

B. Welcome the youngster and congratulate him or her on his or her great achievement, explain how wonderful ham radio is and what a friendly bunch of folks we all are on this repeater--except for that one repeater cop, of course.

 

Okay, now it's time to determine if you're a repeater cop. Get ready to rate yourself. For each A you've circled, give yourself two points. For each B, subtract two points. Add up your score and rate yourself below:

(10) You are a nasty SOB and should turn in your ham ticket for a job with the DMV or the Taliban Vice and Virtue Police.

(6) You are not as friendly as most correctional officers in Attica or Sing Sing.

(2) You're bordering on sociable, but still need a few drinks to be tolerable--not during mobile hours, however.

(-2) You're passive-aggressive or aggressive-passive, i.e., you're hard to figure out. Dogs like you, but cats don't.

(-6) You're nice enough to take to a mildly violent hockey game.

(-10) You're the kind of ham who makes ham radio a really fun hobby.

(0) Er...you're cheating or believe you might, indeed, be a repeater cop; therefore, you were too afraid to take this quiz.

Finally, what if you are a repeater cop? There's a simple cure: LIGHTEN UP ALREADY! GEEEZ, IT'S ONLY A HOBBY.

TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK:

TECHNOLOGY FOR COUNTRY FOLK:
LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot.
LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the woodstove.
DOWNLOAD: Gittin the farwood off the truck.
MEGAHERTZ: When you're not keerfull gittin the farwood.
FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from trying to tote too much farwood.
RAM: That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
HARD DRIVE: Gitting home in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut when it's cold outside.
SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's blak fly season.
BYTE: Whut dem dang flys do.
CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
MODEM: Whatcha do to the hay fields.
DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
KEYBOARD: Whar you hang the dang truck keys.
SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and knifes.
MOUSE: What eats the grain in the barn.
MOUSE PAD: That's hippie talk fer the mouse home.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
ENTER: Northerner talk fer, "C'Mon in y'all".
CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun.
DOUBLE CLICK: When the dang gun don't far when you pull the trigger.
REBOOT: Whut you have to do right before bedtime when you forgot the
kitty's
still outside.

 

The "Die Hard" DX'er…

By: Clinton Herbert -- AB7RG.

5:00 AM - Fellow DX'ers arrive. Crawl out of nice warm bed.

5:30 AM - Toss all gear into truck.

5:45 AM - Get gear out of neighbors truck, and put it in own truck.

6:00 AM - Get speeding ticket while hurrying to get to the mountains.

7:15 AM - Get to "The Site", near top of mountain.

7:16 AM - Start unloading gear.

7:20 AM - Get poked in eye with 20M vertical by fellow DX'er.

7:50 AM - Arrive at hospital to get eye patched up.

8:30 AM - Get another speeding ticket while heading up to mountains.

8:45 AM - Arrive back at site. Unload antennas alone this time.

9:45 AM - Hike up to mountain top. Pass out from exhaustion.

9:50 AM - Wake up to smelling salt, and laughter from fellow DX'ers.

10:00 AM - Put up antennas, and set up rigs.

10:15 AM - Fire up rig, call CQ for half an hour; no replies.

10:46 AM - Hook up coax to rig...

10:48 AM - Realize that finals are wasted in main rig.

10:50 AM - Hook up back-up rig, this time with coax.

11:00 AM - Yell CQ, rare P5 comes back; antenna falls down...

11:15 AM - Wake up to smelling salt, fellow DX'ers shaking heads.

11:30 AM - Guy antennas.

12:05 PM - See long list of QSO's made by fellow DX'ers.

12:06 PM - Notice rare P5 in logbook.

12:07 PM - Beat fellow DX'er over head with logbook.

12:09 PM - Restrained by rest of DXpedition team.

12:30 PM - Back to rig for another attempt.

12:35 PM - Nearby lightning strike kills receive. Notice wet pants...

12:36 PM - Look for shelter.

12:38 PM - Find cave!

12:41 PM - Watch antenna get struck by lightning while hiding in cave.

12:42 PM - Wish it was fellow DX'er's antenna, or fellow DX'er that was struck...

12:45 PM - Realize not alone in cave...

12:46 PM - Pick up really big rock...

12:47 PM - Mauled by large angry bear.

12:50 PM - Get pulled out of cave by fellow DX'ers.

1:05 PM - Finally get talked into receiving medical treatment.

1:30 PM - Arrive back at hospital.

1:55 PM - Receive series of painful rabies shots, and multiple stitches.

2:30 PM - Get out of hospital and return home.

2:35 PM - "Explain" stitches and eye patch to wife.

3:00 PM - Realize gear is still up on mountain, with bear.

3:01 PM - Wish fellow DX'ers were still up on mountain, with bear...

3:03 PM - Consider taking up drinking.

7:00 PM - Get phone call from DX'er buddies.

7:05 PM - Agree to go on DXpedition again tomorrow...

 

"How to sound like a LID"

On two meters I have noticed a tendency of people making a effort to sound like a "LID". Since this appears to be the new style in Amateur Radio, I thought I would present this funny guide to radio nerd-dom.

Submitted By: Al Furlow KA1FFO
Step One: Use as many "Q" signals as possible. Yes, I know they were invented solely for CW and are totally inappropriate for two meter FM, but they are fun and entertaining. They keep people guessing as to what you really meant. I.E. "I'm going to QSY to the phone." Can you really change frequencies to the phone? QSL used to mean, "I am acknowledging receipt", but now it appears to mean, "yes" or "OK". I guess I missed it when the ARRL changed the meaning. It is also best to use "OK" and "QSL" together. Redundancy is the better part of Lid-dom.

Step Two: Never laugh when you can say "HI HI". No one will ever know you aren't a long time CW rag-chewer if you don't tell them. They'll think you've been on since the days of Marconi.

Step Three: Utilize an alternative vocabulary. Use words like "destinated" and "negatory". It's OK to make up your own words here. I.E. "Yeah Tom, I "pheelbart zaphonix" occasionally myself."

Step Four: Always say "XX4XXX" (Insert your own call) "for I.D." As mentioned in Step One, anything that creates redundancy is always encouraged. That's why we have the Department of Redundancy Department. (Please note that you can follow your call with "for identification purposes" instead of "for I.D." While taking longer to say, it is worth more "LID points".

Step Five: The better the copy on two meter FM, the more you should use phonetics. Names should be especially used if they are short or common ones. I.E. "My name is Al... Alpha Lima" or "Jack.. Juliet Alpha Charlie Kilo." If at all possible use the less common HF phonetics "A4SM... America, Number Four, Sugar Mexico." And for maximum "LID points", make up unintelligible phonetics. "My name is Bob... Billibong Oregano Bumperpool."

Step Six: Always give the calls of yourself and everyone who is (or has been) in the group, whether they are still there or not. While this has been unnecessary for years, it is still a great memory test. You may also use "and the group" if you are an "old timer" or just have a bad memory. Extra points for saying everyone's call and then clearing in a silly way "K2PKK, Chow, Chow."

Step Seven: Whenever possible, use the wrong terminology. It keeps people guessing. Use "modulation" when you mean "deviation", and vice-versa.

Step Eight: If someone asks for a break, always finish your turn, taking as long as possible before turning it over. Whenever possible, pass it around a few times first. This will discourage the breaker, and if it is an emergency, encourage him to switch to another repeater and not bother you.

Step Nine: Always ask involved questions of the person who is trying to sign out. Never let him get by with just a "yes" or "no" answer. Make it a question that will take him a long time to answer.

Step Ten: The less you know on a subject, the more you should speculate about it in the roundtable. Also the amount of time you spend on the subject should be inversely proportionate to your knowledge of the subject even though you have no damn clue.

Step Eleven: Always make sure you try to communicate with only a handheld and a rubber duck antenna. Also, make sure you work through a repeater that you can hear very well, but it cannot hear you. This will put out a kind of "LID mating call": "Well, Joe, I can hear the repeater just fine here. I wonder why it can't hear me?" You will score maximum LID points if you are mobile, and with the radio lying in the passenger seat.

Step Twelve: If you hear two amateurs start a conversation, wait until they are twenty seconds into their contact, and then break in to make a call, or better yet to use the auto-patch. Make sure you keep the repeater tied up for at least three minutes. This way, once the two have re-established contact, they won't even remember what they were talking about.

Step Thirteen: You hear someone on the repeater giving directions to a visiting amateur. Even if the directions are good, make sure you break in with your own "alternate route but better way to get there" version. This is most effective with several other "would-be LIDs", each giving a different route. By the time the visiting amateur unscrambles all the street names whizzing by in his mind, he should have moved out of the range of the repeater. This keeps you from having to stick around to help the guy get back out of town, later.

Step Fourteen: If an annoying station is bothering you, make sure your other "LID" buddies have a "coded" frequency list. Even though "CODES" are strictly forbidden on Amateur Radio, it's really neat to practice "James Bond" tactics.

Step Fifteen: Always use the National Calling Frequency for general conversations. The more uninteresting, the longer you should use it. Extra points are awarded if you have recently move from an adjacent frequency for no reason. Make sure when DX is "rolling" in on 52.525 that you hang out there and talk to your friends five miles down the road about the good old CB days!

Step Sixteen: Make sure that if you have a personal problem with someone, you should voice your opinion in a public forum, especially a net. Make sure you give their name, call, and any other identifying remarks. For maximum points, make sure the person in question is not on the repeater, or not available.

Step Seventeen: Make sure you say the first few words of each transmission twice, especially if it is the same thing each time. Like "roger, roger" or "fine business, fine business". I cannot stress enough about encouraging redundancy.

Step Eighteen: If you hear a conversation on a local repeater, break in and ask how each station is receiving you. Of course they will only see the signal of the repeater you are using, but it's that magic moment when you can find a fellow "LID", and get the report. Extra points are awarded if you are using a base station, and the repeater is less than twenty-five air miles from you.

Step Nineteen: Use the repeater for an hour or two at a time, preventing others from using it. Better yet, do it on a daily basis. Your quest is to make people so sick of hearing your voice every time they turn on their radio, they'll move to another frequency. This way you'll lighten the load on the repeater, leaving even more time for you to talk on it.

Step Twenty: See just how much flutter you can generate by operating at handheld power levels too far away from the repeater. Engage people in conversations when you know they wont be able to copy half of what your saying. Even when they say your uncopyable, continue to string them along by making further transmissions. See just how frustrated you can make the other amateur before he finally signs off in disgust.

Step Twenty One: Use lots of radio jargon. After all, it makes you feel important using words ordinary people don't say. Who cares if it makes you sound like you just fell off Channel 19 on the citizen's Band? Use phrases such as "Roger on that", "10-4", "I'm on the side", "Your making the trip" and "Negatory on that".

Step Twenty Two: Use excessive microphone gain. See just how loud you can make your audio. Make sure the audio gain is so high that other amateurs can hear any bugs crawling on your floor. If mobile, make sure the wind noise is loud enough that others have to strain to pick your words out from all the racket.

Step Twenty Three: Start every transmission with the word "Roger" or "QSL". Sure, you don't need to acknowledge that you received the other transmission in full. After all, you would simply ask for a repeat if you missed something. But consider it your gift to the other amateur to give him solace every few seconds that his transmissions are being received.

Step Twenty Four: When looking for a contact on a repeater, always say your "listening" or "monitoring" multiple times. I've always found that at least a half dozen times or so is good. Repeating your multiple "listening" ID's every 10 to 15 seconds is even better. Those people who didn't want to talk to you will eventually call you, hoping you'll go away after you have finally made a contact.

Step Twenty Five: Always use a repeater, even if you can work the other station easily on simplex ... especially if you can make the contact on simplex. The coverage of the repeater you use should be inversely proportional to your distance from the other station.

Step Twenty Six: When on repeaters using courtesy tones, you should always say "over". Courtesy tones are designed to let everyone know when you have unkeyed but don't let that stop you. Say "over", "back to you" or "go ahead". It serves no useful purpose but don't worry, it's still fun!

Step Twenty Seven: Use the repeater's autopatch for frivolous routine calls... especially during morning or evening commute times. While pulling into the neighborhood, call home to let them know you'll be there in two minutes.... or, call your spouse to complain about the bad day you had at work. After all, the club has "measured rate" service on their phone line so they get charged for each autopatch call. Your endeavor is to make so many patches in a year that you cost the club at least $20 in phone bills. That way you'll feel you got your money's worth for your dues!

Step Twenty Eight: Never say "My name is ....." It makes you sound human. If at all possible, use one of the following phrases: a) "The personal here is ..." b) "The handle here is..."

Step Twenty Nine: Use "73" and "88" incorrectly. Both are already considered plural, but add a "s" to the end anyway. Say "73's" or "88's". Who cares if it means "best regards" and "love and kisses." Better yet, say "seventy thirds"! (By the way, seventy thirds equals about 23.3).

Step Thirty: If the repeater is off the air for service, complain about the fact that it was off the air as soon as it's turned back on. Act as though your entire day has been ruined because the repeater wasn't available when you wanted to use it. Even thought you have never paid a penny to help out with the upkeep of it.

These easy steps should put you well on your way to "LID-Hood". I hope these helpful hints will save you some time in your quest to sound like the perfect "LID". I should also note that these steps need not apply to simplex operation, as nobody really gives a crap because that HTX-202 isn't going to get out too far with just a rubber duck.

In doing a search, it has come to my attention that there are several versions of the "How to sound like a lid" floating around. I have no idea who the original writer of this is but I got most of this from KD4DLU. I did not make this up and I am not taking credit for it! Its just a big joke and for those of you who get offended by it.... sorry!